The other day my nine year old asked me if she could log on to the computer to look at pictures of herself and her older sister when they were “little.” Yes, I have to confess that I am one of “those” parents whose children’s lives are digitally catalogued on a computer rather than lovingly arranged in a photo album. For the record, I am still hopeful that I will get to that project before they are both off to university. After I set the computer up, I lingered, watching my daughter scroll through picture after picture of my girls smiling little faces covered in sticky goodness from a recent meal. As I was looking, it hit me like a ton of bricks how much our family life has changed in the last few years. I really don’t have “little kids” anymore. Not only do they no longer need me for things like going to the bathroom, my 13 year old is only a year away from learning to drive a car! As I looked over my daughter’s shoulder at the pictures on the computer screen, I could see where my parenting journey had begun, where I was in the moment and a glimpse of the road that lay ahead. I felt a pang of mixed emotion – part relief that the hard physical work of the infant/toddler years are behind me, part gratitude for the relationship I have worked so hard to develop with my girls, part panic at the realization that time is passing so quickly and part terror knowing the infamous angst of the teenage years is now at my doorstep. As I stood there watching the pictures on the computer screen I wondered if I was really as prepared for this tween/teen stage as I was hoping. What do my not so little kids need from me now?
Christine Carter summarizes the science behind why the teen years can be difficult. We are all aware that puberty triggers significant physical, mental, and emotional changes in the body. However, what adults often lose sight of is the fact that these changes can be quite sporadic and out of sync with each other. For example, the onset of puberty activates systems in the body related to specific drives, motivations and emotions. This activation results in increased risk taking, emotional intensity, and attunement to social status in the teen. What makes the teen years difficult is that the rational thinking part of a teen’s brain is often not yet quick enough to keep these motivations and emotions in check. This can result in a scenario where teens make a decision and take action before their brain’s logic has a chance to kick in. This information has very specific implications for what our teens need from us as parents.
A phrase I often hear from my tweens in response to a request is, “I know!!!”, at which point I will sigh and say, “Yes honey, but I need you to DO, not just KNOW.” While this phrase works, I knew there was likely a better way to communicate my message. What Christine Carter’s summary suggested to me is that I may be intervening in the wrong place. If I keep intervening with a reminder that aims to give my tweens information they already “know,” chances are good that they will become more and more annoyed. Chances are also good that I will become more and more frustrated. This cycle can cause intense feelings for any parent. At its extreme, some parents, fearing a loss of control over their teen’s behavior, will begin to crack down every time their teen steps out of line. Other parents may take the opposite approach, avoiding conflict for fear their teen will stop talking and push them away.
As with most things in life, the key lies in finding a balance between these two camps. Too much guidance can feel smothering and even mean to our teens (like we are babying them and don’t have faith in their ability). On the other hand, too much independence can leave them feeling overwhelmed and unable to make a decision. Teens need what Christine Carter refers to as “carefully calibrated opportunities for failure.” The decisions we allow them to make need to be bigger than the, “Do you want carrots or an apple for your snack today?” type decisions we give our younger kids. However, not so big that the consequences will be dire if they get it wrong.
With this information in mind, I ran the following experiment. When I noticed that something I had asked my tween to do was not yet done, I began with the assumption that she already knew she needed to complete the task. So instead of saying, “I asked you to clean your room an hour ago and it’s still not done” (to which she would likely respond “I know!”), I asked, “When are you planning to clean your room?” The response I got back was, “This show is almost over; I was planning to do it next.” Although I felt skeptical, I took her word for it and left the room. A few minutes later, I heard the TV click off and she headed upstairs without any prompting!
Of course, not every exchange has gone this smoothly, but the overall tone in our house is much calmer on all fronts. Sometimes my tweens did forget to do what I asked, and sometimes they pushed back when I pushed them to make decisions they would rather I make for them. When their decision turned out well, they felt proud. When it turned out not so well, they were mad that I pushed them to make it; however, they also learned a lot more than I could ever teach with just words. I was reminded that mistakes are an important part of the process of growing up and that my job is to help my tweens handle them (messy feelings and all) rather than seek to avoid them. We want our teens to be able to come to us when they have made a mistake, not feel like they need to be perfect in our eyes in order to be worthy of being treated like an adult. One of the biggest signs of truly being an adult is recognizing when you need help and asking for it.
Keeping attuned to how the balance between guidance and independence shifts across situations that my kids face is challenging. In that moment looking at pictures on the computer with my nine year old, I realized that I needed to start giving my kids more freedom and room to make mistakes. It isn’t my job to prevent my tweens from experiencing the turmoil that comes with the teenage years. It is, however; my job to be there when they fall and help put the pieces back together.
If you are feeling unsure about how to manage the balance between guidance and independence for your tweens and teens, please contact me and we can set an appointment.
References
Carter, C. (2012, Nov 26). What Teens Need. Retrieved from http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/