Ahhh, at last…summer is here and with it the unstructured bliss that comes with a long break from the routine of the school year and other scheduled activities. While we all longingly look forward to the break that summer provides, most of us, kids and parents alike, are caught off-guard when peer relationships turn from a source of a fun into a source of stress during the summer time. This can happen because our kids often come into contact with kids outside their normal peer group during the summer, both in the neighborhood and during summer camps. What our kids can let roll off their back with a long-term friend might be far more offensive or anxiety provoking from someone they hardly know. This situation will likely require some parent support. With this in mind, I thought that a review of the differences between behavior that is rude, mean and bullying would be helpful.
Rude = Inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else.
From kids, rudeness typically looks like bragging about a personal achievement (e.g., “I came in first place in every tournament I competed in last year”), jumping ahead in line, or walking away from someone mid-sentence. While these behaviours could occur as part of a cycle of bullying, when looked at in context, they more often occur spontaneously due to a lack of consideration of the other person’s feelings. While this can be hurtful, it is typically not done with a premeditated intention to hurt the other person. This distinction is important because as parents we need to walk the fine line between supporting our kid’s feelings (“I bet that hurt your feelings when he walked away in the middle of your joke”) and making sure that we correctly label their experience (it would be wrong to call this bullying).
Rude behavior from another child is often something that our child can learn to handle with a little coaching from an adult. Begin by attending to the feelings your child is having about the situation. You might be surprised at how your child’s perspective changes once they realize that the other child was simply distracted rather than trying to be mean.
Mean = Purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (maybe twice).
The difference between “rude” and “mean” behavior is intention. Rudeness is typically thoughtless whereas mean behaviour is intended to hurt or make someone feel badly about him/herself. Meanness most often happens when kids are feeling angry or inferior. Under the influence of anger we can all say things that we regret once the angry feelings pass. Similarly, feelings of inferiority will sometimes lead kids to prop themselves up by putting someone else down. The key here is that the words and actions are driven by the feeling state the child is in. This does not excuse the behavior but it is important to understand the biological limitations kids face when trying to control their behavior while experiencing strong feelings. Developing the skill of emotional regulation takes time and practice.
Understanding how to manage situations where mean words have been spoken and repair the damage that is done by hurtful words or actions are important skills to learn. Role-playing at home will often help in these situations. Once you have attended to your child’s feelings (see above), role play the situation to try out potential responses. Practice will help your child deliver his/her response with a calm, strong voice and good eye contact. Mean words can cut deeply so it is important that your child practices a response beforehand. Otherwise it is highly likely that the stress of the situation will be too much and your child will have difficulty pulling off a response even if they know what to do. It is often helpful to say something like, “That was really unkind, I’m outta here,” and then simply walk away. This prevents the child who is engaging in the mean behavior from saying any further mean words.
On the flip side, it is important that we hold our kids accountable when they have been mean to someone. Learning how to apologize and wrestle through the process of forgiving someone after hurtful words have been exchanged are important relationship skills for every child to learn. Ultimately, this dynamic is best modeled by parents so that it becomes part of your child’s lived experience.
Bullying = Intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involves an imbalance of power.
For an exchange to be classified as bullying it must contain all three of the following elements: intent to cause harm, an imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the target (e.g., two or more kids vs. one, popular child vs. less popular, etc.), and the acts or threats of aggressive behavior must be repeated over time. Kids who bully intentionally hurt others through their words or actions. They also keep going even when the target expresses their hurt or tells the aggressor to stop. Bullying may be physical, verbal or relational and can be carried out face to face or via technology.
- Physical aggression is what most of us call to mind when we think of bullying. It includes the hitting, tripping, pushing, etc., that is so often depicted in media.
- Verbal aggression includes hurtful words and threats of physical aggression.
- Relational aggression happens when kids use their friendship as a weapon. Exclusion, shunning and rumor spreading are all examples.
If your child is dealing with bullying, it is highly likely that the situation will require parent support. It is also quite possible that as a parent you may require support to help your child solve the situation. The important message I want to give you is that bullying is a very real and serious issue that your child should not be left alone to struggle through. However, it is equally important that as a parent you take the time to sort through what is happening and ensure you are correctly labeling your child’s experience. It does not help anyone when we label mean behavior as bullying. In fact, it robs our kids of the opportunity to develop important coping skills.